We could all use a laugh.
Here are some provided by the members of the Vaccine Dinner Club.
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
COVID-SPECIFIC JOKES
I have a COVID-19 vaccination joke, but most of you won't get it....
After a long debate with my wife, I decided that we won't vaccinate our kids...
We think the doctor would do a way better job at it than we could.
As I was getting my Starbucks espresso, the barista asked if I wanted an extra shot. I pointed to my arm and said "Extra shot? I've already had two!"
If you don't believe in vaccines you better believe in ventilators
"Well you're a real tough cookie with a long history
Of dissin' new vaccines like the one in me."
(With apologies to Pat Benatar's Hit Me With Your Best Shot)
It's amazing how many parents went from 'I don't understand my kid's sixth grade math homework' to 'I'm an infectious disease expert' in just six months
It is day 500 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? THIS is why I chew the furniture!"
Did you hear the joke about Coronavirus?
Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
All we told during my last quarantine were inside jokes
When I got my Pfizer vaccine, the doctor said "the P is silent." I went to the bathroom to test out. He was wrong.
Given how bad the Delta variant is, can you even imagine how bad a JetBlue variant would be?
I never metamorphose I didn't like.
Until I found the Delta Blues.
Two masked men walked into a bank ...
and didn't give anyone COVID-19.
Last night I took one of the new home COVID tests.
You did? How does that work?
Easy, you pop the cork on a bottle of wine to see if you can smell it, and then drink a full glass to see if you can taste it.
And ... could you?
Yeah, but I'm still worried that the test might have returned a false negative because I took the test enough times to go through 2 full bottles of wine, and even though I could smell and taste just fine every time, I woke up this morning with a headache, nausea, and no energy.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said: "Throw this and wherever it lands — that is where I'm taking you and the kids when this pandemic ends." ... Turns out, we're all spending two weeks behind the fridge.
(Pet owner to a veterinarian)
Fluffy refuses to be microchipped because he's heard they put COVID-19 vaccine in it.
The person administering my COVID test asked if I had experienced a sudden loss of taste recently. I looked down at what I was wearing and told her: "No ... I've always dressed this way."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the chicken behind it didn't know how to socially distance properly.
Got Mask?
OTHER JOKES
If life were fair mosquitoes would suck fat, not blood
"If you're going to be a multicellular organism, you need to learn to live with yourself." -Dr. Grant R. MacGregor
Once I asked a police recruit: "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" ... "Call for backup!" he promptly replied.
No matter how popular they get, antibiotics will never go viral
What do ticks and the Eiffel Tower have in common?
"They're both Paris sites.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness!
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?"
Nurse: "No change yet."
I'm usually done hearing people before they finish talking because I'm a fast listener.
My book on clocks finally arrived. It's about time!
A bear walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, I'd like to order a rum.......and coke."
Bartender looks at the bear and asks, "What's with the pause?"
Bear looks down at his hands, holds them up, and says, "I'm a bear ... I've had them all my life!"
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?!
Q: Why did the bee go to the doctor?
A: Because he had hives!
There are three scientists sitting on a beach; a biologist, a physicist, and a chemist.
The biologist, captivated by the diversity in marine life, and seeking to obtain a sample of the ocean water, drowns.
The physicist, trying to study the amplitude, wavelength, and mechanical force of each incoming wave, also drowns.
The chemist watching this from the shore takes out his notebook and writes: "Biologists and physicists are soluble in water."
Bad puns should not be called "Dad jokes" as Moms like me make them too and we are not "Faux Pa's"
Boy: Teacher, would you ever punish someone for something they didn't do?
Teacher: No, of course not!
Boy: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
Have you heard the news about the latest corduroy pillow technology? It's making head lines!
Have you heard the one about the mathematician who hated negative numbers?
He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"
A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a bar...... and a clerical error occurred.
A snail was mugged by two turtles.
When the police asked him what happened, the snail said, "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
When you dream in color, is it a Pigment of your imagination?
Have you heard the joke about the non-infectious disease?
I didn't get it.
I told my health insurance company that I broke my arm in 2 places.
They told me to stop going to those places.
I was reading a book on helium once.
I just couldn't put it down.
Why can't you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
It's not funny until someone gets parasites.
Then it's malarious.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
HIPAA
HIPAA who?
Sorry, I can't tell you that.
No matter how popular antibiotics get... they will never go viral.
Pollen!
When flowers can't keep it in their plants
There are thousands of different mosquito species
And they all suck.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
(…Only a fraction of people will get this joke.)
Two chickens are pecking at grass seed on opposite sides of the same road. As one begins to walk away the other one shouts over to it:
"Where are you going?"
"Down to the corner. I'm going to cross the road"
"Why?"
"Duh! To get to the other side."
"But you already ARE on the other side!"
What starts with the letter "A" and is caused by vaccines?
Adults
What did the antigen say to the antibuddy?
Let's stick together!
What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountaineer?
Nothing - you can't cross a vector with a scalar.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do scientists plant in their gardens?
Chemistrees!
What does a Bostonian call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork
What was the banana shoe called?
A Slipper
What's the best thing about being from Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
What's the difference between multiplication and division?
Nothing if you are a cell biologist
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes APPARENT!
When you kill a mosquito while it's biting you, is its death *in vein?*
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleeve
If life was fair mosquitos would suck fat instead of blood
A minister, a priest and a rabbit walked into a blood bank.
The nurse asked the rabbit: what type are you?
"I'm a typo"
Why should you never trust stairs? They are always up to something.
How many people live in Rio De Janeiro?
About a Brazilian!
Why did the Epidemiologist go to the beach?
To see d' sea (CDC)!